Embracing Existential Dread

I’m so tired of trying to figure things out. I’m so tired of waking up with hope that today will be the day where I get my breakthrough and I find the ‘solution’ to such a profound feeling of unfulfillment and failure. I just don’t care about anything anymore. And not in a depressive, I-don’t-want-to-be-here kind of way, but in a none-of-this-makes-any-fucking-sense-to-continue-restlessly-trying-for kind of way. 

Doing nothing feels so much better than trying to figure out what my ‘something’ is. Why do I even need to be something to be worth existing? Why do I need to try to measure up to the external, if it means feeling dead internally? 

However, being miserable about being miserable is just as exhausting. There is no true benefit to giving up to hopelessness. And though it fucking sucks, if life will continue to have its waves of sucking, I can at least instill a ridiculously abundant amount of praise, belief, and love in myself that holds me down, with resilience, as I trail through the trenches of existential dread.

Because what other way can make this experience more bearable?

If right now I feel like I ain’t shit, feel like shit, and don’t feel like doing shit, why not just say fuck it, and gracefully give up on trying to satisfy whoever-and-whatever-the-fuck, as a means to allow myself to effortlessly fall in the sweetness of what feels true to me in every single moment experienced—with no inhibition. 

At the end of the day, external noise matters only as much as we allow it to. And it’s in one’s hands to not let it be the reason for one’s self-inflicted downfall.

Perhaps, the unwritten cheat code is allowing yourself to fall to rock bottom, so that you can now intentionally jolt yourself to new, desired heights. 

Therefore, being down bad isn’t all bad if it leaves you with the opportunity to now only go up.

If the human experience comes with an inherent level of conditioning, expectations, and standards conducive to brainwashing the masses to self-hate, I, too, can choose to brainwash myself to be my own best friend—who gladly wants to see me win. Or, at the very least, someone, unconditionally, worth the journey.