Learning to hug the shame of past mistakes

I don’t know if it’s cringe, embarrassment, or regret—but all I know is a flash of your past self, the one who acted in ways you’re not proud of, can feel like a punch to the face. What’s rude is that it’s one’s own mind gladly hosting this inner fuss. 

The type of mistakes—or actions—I’m referring to in this instance are the ones where people were treated in unnecessarily harsh and borderline emotionally-violent ways. 

How can one deal with these mental sucker punches?

Speaking as someone who was once drowning—and paralyzed—in a pool of shame, self-compassion has become the chaser that soothes the taste of cringy mistakes and intrusive memories that my mind sometimes pressures me to face and drink up.

Even though a big chunk of the mistakes I’ve felt horrible about occurred during the absolute worst moment of my life (aka during a psychotic episode, aka not in a stable state of mind), they were still made by me. 

Though I wish this hadn’t happened and weren’t the case, it did and is.

When you are not equipped with the tools to navigate your emotions in a healthy way, others, unfortunately, usually get caught in the crossfire. Which is actually the most shitty part of it, because I truly believe that no soul—deep, deep, deeeep down—has a burning desire to put anyone in harm’s way.

I mean, that can definitely be debated given the actions some people have taken and are continuing to take today. But I do believe given the strength of the ego, painful childhood wounds, and being mentally ill (as I once was in the deep end of), it is not exactly an easy task to see past the fog of these conditions.

This is not to justify harmful behavior at all, but as someone who has gone through it myself, while under the influence of these conditions, you are not truly conscious of what you are doing and thinking. Your judgment is clouded by the desire to soothe emotions like rage, anxiety, and sadness in any way possible, which can manifest in ways not representative of who you truly are in a stable state of mind. 

As someone that seems to feel everything down to my bones, it felt like I couldn’t just forget these situations. Forgetting felt like I was letting myself ‘off the hook,’ and this shame served as rightfully-received punishment for being a ‘bad person.’

Emotional pain becomes the bull, and it’s running full force toward whatever is in its way.

That’s why guilt, shame, and regret are some of the heaviest emotions to carry for anybody that feels them. It’s almost always tied to experiences that don’t represent who you know you are at your core.

But that’s the thing: for those that are able to feel these emotions, that ability is physically demonstrating to you who you are.

Shame—in the context of past mistakes that could have affected others greatly—is a message from inside that you don’t truly align with what you’ve done, or who you’ve been. If anything, the presence and your experience of shame is a bodily notification telling you: you are not the worst of what you’ve done, but the observer of it.

From this new perspective, you encounter a newfound opportunity to choose differently moving forward. Shame can become a friend that guides you toward a new direction—from that which harms to that which accepts, respects, and ultimately, loves.

If it were true that you are an absolute shit person, who is evil and just hurts people, you would not feel feelings like shame, regret, or guilt. If anything, you are the opposite. These feelings show that you are an actual good person. The experience of these emotions are messages from deep within, signaling that you are able to put yourself in the shoes of the other person and understand you do not truly align with these actions.

When I was awakening to the power of gently observing how I was feeling and the guidance they truly hold, rather than just suppressing it, it opened a new pathway to relate to the turmoil that was having a party in my mind.

It’s in that small growth of awareness of tuning to how I was feeling (and actually observing it without berating myself) that I could understand that I’m actually not a person who doesn’t give a fuck. Instead, I realized I’m a person that truly does. And do a lot.

Looking back now, I just didn’t show it in those moments. 

It may be possible that the people who were caught in the crossfire of this mental health episode may think I am the worst, or simply, bat-shit crazy. But the truth is, I can’t force or obligate people to perceive me in any type of way. 

I can’t change the past, nor can I change the perception other people choose to have of me. So at this point, the only real control I have in this situation is the perception I have of myself.

I don’t mean that in an invalidating tone of “Eff them, they’ll be fine.” Rather, it is rooted in an act of self-liberation from the past, given that I can’t change the past and probably wouldn’t have acted in another way. I didn’t have the tools to cope with the unseen and unrelated pain I felt beneath the surface, so it ended up projecting outward.

When I awakened to the truth that my identity doesn’t have to be defined by past actions—especially those rooted in unconsciousness—I was able to extend a loving eye to myself. That shift began my journey out of the hole I’d been in, dug by the trifecta of shame, regret, and guilt.

Becoming aware of your shit—as its own separate entity—allows you to see that you are not inherently shit, but simply a person who had a moment (or several) of shitty behavior.

In the separation between what you’ve done from who you are exists the access to self-forgiveness.

I would say it’s not as much as one act of self-forgiveness, but the consistent practice of self-compassion that guides you from the past to the here and now—especially when any intrusive memory of the past makes a way to the forefront of your mind. It is in those moments that I have benefitted the most from mentally hugging the cringe, shame, and guilt I feel with compassion.

My mental breakdown, paired with a sweepstakes to the psych hospital, happened about 4 years ago, yet there are still some moments where those memories come back. But the difference is that now, the ‘cringe’ doesn’t last as long. I have learned to hold those memories with a dose of understanding—reminding myself I am no longer ‘there’ anymore.

At this very moment, I can’t speak to whether or not those people I might have affected or hurt forgive me. But, I also can’t expect or feel entitled to be. 

I tried my best to take accountability, as best as I could, following those moments of my life. But now that we are here and years have passed by, there is not much I can do but take the steps in extending that forgiveness to myself.

What I have now—and any moment these thoughts pop up—is the power to give myself a hug of compassion. I was trying my best to cope with what I was feeling during those moments, and unfortunately, I did not do it in a way I could say I am proud of today. And that’s okay, because I know who it is I want to show up as moving forward.

Sometimes it can be much easier to forgive others, yet it may not even be a thought to extend the same to ourselves. But the more we can remind ourselves that we are humanly imperfect, we set the tone to approach each moment of our unfolding much more intentionally, and make space for gratitude that our emotions—and the wisdom acquired from the worst of the past—hold extreme value in shifting and consciously aligning the direction of one’s life.

It is in the awareness of what we are not that we can truly begin to understand who we truly want to be, and ultimately, embody who we truly are. 

So, one can say disidentifying from your past mistakes or decisions through the act of self-forgiveness and the practice of self-compassion—even when it feels pointless or painfully undeserved—is a radical step toward liberating yourself from who you are not: your past.